


turning saints into the sea

by gaygentdanvers



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, Jealousy, Love Confessions, Not Actually Unrequited Love, Oblivious!Alex, Pining, This was only supposed to be 7k, jealous!Sam
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-18
Updated: 2018-09-18
Packaged: 2019-07-14 01:59:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16030649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaygentdanvers/pseuds/gaygentdanvers
Summary: These are two of her favorite people in the world and she should feel ecstatic that they’re together, that they’ve found reprieve in one another, but all she can think about is how fuckingin lovewith Alex she is. But, beneath all the guilt and the hurt consuming her from the inside, she knows she can’t blame anyone but herself.//Alex and Lena start dating. Sam tries to deal with that.





	turning saints into the sea

you will want to call her.

you will go as far as holding the phone

in your hand, imagine telling her

unimaginable things like _you are always_

 _ticking inside of me_ and _i dream of you_

_more often than i don’t._

 

— sierra demulder, _on watching someone_

_you love love someone else._

  
  


* * *

  
  


Sam’s world comes to a screeching halt on a Tuesday.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Here’s the thing — Lena has always been a pretty straightforward person. Right to the point, no dancing around a subject, no sugarcoating it. But she’s also calm, calculated; she thinks about how to phrase things before actually saying them. She can’t afford to blurt out certain things on accident, and she still deeply cares about hurting the other person’s feelings.

 

Sam has always prided herself on being able to tell when Lena needs to talk to her about something, especially when it’s something serious. They’re best friends, after all; she knows Lena better than anyone, with the exception of Kara.

 

So she’s not surprised when Lena walks into her office, eyebrows knitted together and lips pursed, and automatically knows something is up. This is the look she gets when thinking about how to approach a tough topic, Sam knows, and almost immediately there’s a sense of dread gathering low in her stomach.

 

She stops typing and turns towards her friend. She says nothing, waiting patiently for Lena to speak first, and another minute passes until she does.  
  
  


“I… like Alex,” is what comes out of her mouth.

 

Sam blinks. The fingers that had been frozen on the keyboard retreat, her hands interlacing in her lap.

 

“Yeah, Alex is great,” she agrees, kind of confused, because she doesn’t know what else to say. She gets why Lena would like Alex. They’ve been hanging out more, bent over microscopes and scrawling in journals that Sam knows she wouldn’t be able to understand if she tried to read them. She can even recall Lena mentioning one morning that they’d gone out to a bar together the previous night, in celebration of some new discovery they’d made in the lab.

 

“No, Sam, that’s not what—” Lena starts. She sighs, sinking down onto the couch. Sam stands up, suddenly nervous; she’s seen Lena uncomfortable in plenty of situations, but this is different. Like she’s giving Sam bad news. “I have… romantic feelings for her,” she clarifies.

 

Sam feels her blood freeze. “You— what?”

 

Lena sighs again. She looks regretful, almost, for bringing it up. Sam doesn’t understand. “I wanted to come to you before I did anything about it. You’re one of my best friends, and I know you and Alex are…”

 

She trails off. Sam’s brain is still a few miles behind, struggling to catch up.

 

Lena _likes_ Alex? Like… that? Sam had always thought she had feelings Kara, a suspicion that had only grown after Kara had revealed that she was leaving for Argo City for an indefinite amount of time. Despite her eventual decision to stay in National City, Sam had found Lena in her lab later that night, scrolling through photos of her and the blonde with red-rimmed eyes and a bottle of liquor in hand. It’d shown clearly on her face then that Lena loved Kara, in whatever capacity.

 

Sam had assumed that meant she was into her best friend… But Alex?

 

For some reason, she feels sick, her stomach rolling. Then Lena’s last words catch up to her, and a jolt goes through her. She feels paralyzed.

 

“We’re not…” She shakes her head. Her face feels too hot, chest too tight. She laughs, too loud. “We’re not _anything,_ Lena. I mean— we’re friends. We’ve always been just friends."

 

She doesn’t know why she feels guilty for saying that. Memories flash through her mind out of nowhere, of brain scans and orange lollipops, but she pushes them back. It didn’t mean anything at the time, and it doesn’t mean anything now, either.

 

Lena looks skeptical, so Sam swallows down the bile rising in her throat, forcing her mouth into the shape of what can pass off as a smile and hoping it doesn’t look too much like a grimace. “Lena, this is great. I mean, you… You deserve someone like Alex, really.”

 

And it’s the truth. Lena’s happiness has been stunted her whole life — by Lex, by her mother, by the majority of National City who still hold the Luthor name over her head. It’s only fair that she’s allowed _this_ , a relationship with someone as caring and amazing as Alex is. Someone who can make her happier than she’s ever been before.

 

Which is why Sam says her next words, despite the grief tugging at her insides: “You should go for it, Lena. Seriously.”

 

Lena looks more hopeful than regretful now. The smile that Sam doesn’t see often is back, almost blinding. “You’re sure?” she checks, and Sam’s head nods without permission from her brain.

 

“Yes, of course I’m sure,” she forces out. Somehow, her voice doesn’t shake. “And Alex would be crazy not to say yes.”

 

Lena leaves with a promise to send updates. The sick feeling in Sam’s stomach solidifies like a rock and sits there for the rest of the day.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Alex says yes.

 

Sam receives the update the next evening, while driving home from work. She just barely manages to keep herself from wrapping her car around a tree after reading the text, and she tightens her grip on the steering wheel to stop the trembling of her hands.

 

Lena calls her later to tell her how their first date went, and Sam swallows past the lump in her throat in order to congratulate her. She ignores Ruby’s concerned glances from where she’s sitting at the kitchen table, doing her homework.

 

“I don’t think I’ve ever noticed how charming she can be under all that kevlar,” Lena is saying, but her words are slowly fading away, and she starts to sound more like the teacher from Charlie Brown.

 

Sam closes her eyes. The horrible, selfish part of her wishes to go back in time and tell Lena that no, she shouldn’t ask Alex out. That she’s right, that there’s something between them after all, despite all of Sam’s denial. But then the other, better part of her curses that wish, insisting that Lena deserves to be happy just like anyone else, if not _more_. Sam immediately feels guilty for thinking about it at all, even for a moment.

 

Lena keeps talking, but Sam doesn’t hear any of it, wishing for the first time that she could disappear back into her head one more time.

  
  


* * *

  
  


And she deals with it like that for a while. After Reign, she’d started going to therapy twice a week, provided by and even paid for by the DEO itself. As it turns out, being trapped in your own mind while a Kryptonian Worldkiller wreaks havoc on the city and violently kills it’s occupants with your body is a pretty traumatic experience.

 

This is what her therapist told her to do in one of their earlier sessions: when you feel like everything is falling apart around you, go to your happy place.

 

It’s what Sam does every time she wakes up from a nightmare, or if she sees or hears something that triggers a flashback. She does it when the knowledge of what Reign had done starts to become too much, when the lingering feeling of blood on her hands is too overwhelming. She just closes her eyes and goes to her happy place, forcing her mind to forget about her trauma and replace her thoughts with something _good_ , something _safe_.

 

Instead of being trapped in the dark forest that she was forced into whenever Reign would take over, she’s at the beach, watching a six year old Ruby try to stick seashells in the wall of her sandcastle. She’s laughing, watching as her daughter pouts adorably when the seashell falls off, and then she’s leaning over and helping her, making sure the sand is wet enough for the shell to stick. Ruby’s face lights up at her success, letting out a loud giggle that fills Sam’s heart with warmth.

 

Whenever Lena brings Alex up, Sam thinks about that day at the beach instead. It helps to keep her from hearing things that might make her chest hurt _,_ things like, “And you know me, I’ve never been big on physical affection with many people. But God damn, I could get used to it with a woman like her.”

 

And that coping mechanism works fine. It isn’t too bad, not when she doesn’t focus too much on it. It doesn’t bother her as much as it could.

 

At least, she pretends it doesn’t.

  
  


* * *

  
 

They invite Sam to have drinks with them two weeks after they start dating, but getting stuck watching them flirt and exchange heart-eyes the whole time is not exactly how Sam wants to spend the rest of her night.

 

“I don’t know, Lena,” she starts to refuse, leaning back in her chair and avoiding her friend’s gaze. Her eyes drop instead to her computer screen, but she can’t even make out what’s on it, the numbers starting to blend and blur together. “I still have a lot of work to do here, and—"

 

“You forget that I am literally your boss,” Lena interjects, raising a sly brow. “And I know for a fact that you have enough time to come out for drinks with us. No excuses.”

 

Well, _shit_. Still, Sam hesitates, but Lena has never been one to take no for an answer. Sighing and accepting her fate, she nods, raising her hands in surrender. “Okay! Okay, fine. You’re right.”

 

Lena smirks triumphantly. “Good. I’ve missed you,” she says, and Sam can’t help but smile at her. Despite everything, she loves Lena to death, and she doesn’t like disappointing her.

 

“I’ve missed you too,” she replies fondly.

 

And, God. She misses Alex too, more than anything. She’s one of Sam’s best friends, even though Sam has been subtly avoiding her for the past few weeks because she isn’t quite sure that she can look at the other woman without wanting to kiss her yet. It had been easier to manage while Alex was still single, but she’s dating Lena now.

 

Because of that, every previous feeling that Sam had ever experienced around Alex fills her with an immense, debilitating guilt. Every dizzy spell that comes from Alex smiling at her, every clench of her heart when Alex laughs, every lightning bolt that shoots through her from Alex’s hand touching hers. If anything, the fact that the agent is now taken has only intensified these reactions, _in addition_ to the way Sam feels like her heart is going to explode whenever she remembers that Alex isn’t hers, but Lena’s.

 

But before becoming Sam’s crush, Alex was her friend first, and Lena has been her friend for years. And in spite of the way her chest aches with want, with longing, with _regret,_ Sam knows she can’t afford to lose either of those relationships.

 

Which is why, five hours later, she drops Ruby off at a friend’s house for the night and arrives at the upscale bar that Lena had suggested around seven, one hour earlier than she needs to be there.

 

She strides up to the bar with all the confidence of someone who knows they’re already going to be pleasantly buzzed by the time their friends actually show up. If keeping her friendship with both Lena and Alex is going to work, at least one or two servings of alcohol already clouding up her brain is the only way she knows she’ll be able to stomach seeing them _together_ in the flesh for the first time.

 

But no amount of preparation could’ve gotten her ready to see Alex again, even though they’d just seen each other a couple weeks ago. She walks in with an arm around Lena’s waist, searching around for Sam before their eyes meet.

 

In the time that Sam has been avoiding her, hitting her with excuse after excuse — _Parent-Teacher meeting at Ruby’s school, I can’t tomorrow. I have three conference calls back-to-back, it could take a while. I’m not feeling too well, tonight’s no good_ — she’s gotten a haircut, shaving off the sides of her head into an attractive undercut. A few strands of auburn hair fall messily into her eyes, and she looks almost godlike.

 

“Alex,” Sam sighs out, feeling almost breathless at the mere sight of her. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Lena ordering their drinks.

 

“Hey stranger,” Alex greets as she sidles up beside her, leaning her elbows against the bar and tilting her head. All Sam can think about is how thankful she is that Alex decided to wear _that_ leather jacket with _those_ jeans. “Long time no see.”

 

Looking at her, at the way the lights hanging from the bar ceiling reflects off of her eyes, Sam can’t help but feel the overwhelming ache of still _missing_ her, even though she’s right here. “I’m really sorry,” she winces apologetically. “I’ve just been—“

 

“Really busy with L-Corp and Ruby,” Alex finishes for her, but there’s a glint in her eye that tells Sam she’s not really annoyed. “You don’t have to explain yourself, Sam. Trust me, I’ve cancelled more plans because of work than I’d like to admit. I completely understand.”

 

 _No,_ Sam wants to say. _You don’t._

 

Instead, she hurries to change the subject, nodding towards Alex's undercut. “So, wow. That’s new,” she points out, eyebrows raised. “You look _great_.”

 

Alex ducks her head, cheeks reddening. Sometimes it still baffles Sam, how she can be so tough and badass at some times, but also bashful and endearing at others. It’s no wonder that Lena likes her, too.

 

“Thanks,” she says, shrugging even though Sam already knows that the compliment is a big deal to her. She can just imagine Alex, electric razor in hand and hair falling into the sink, filled to the brim with anxiety about how others will react to the change. “I’m trying to, uh— ‘embrace the gay,’ as Kara so eloquently put it.”

 

Sam grins. “Well, it looks awesome,” she says, then cringes internally at her word choice, because, God, it looks more than just _awesome_. It looks absolutely stunning. Every cell in her body wants to reach forward and comb her fingers through the hair that’s left, to brush her fingertips over the shaved parts on the side of Alex’s head.

 

Fortunately, Lena chooses that moment to come back with their drinks, stopping Sam from doing so. She hands one to Alex — a scotch, neat, her favorite — and leans into her, their shoulders and arms touching. Sam’s eyes are glued to the contact.

 

“So, Sam, how’s therapy going?” Alex asks, pulling her attention away. To anyone else, the question might feel oddly intrusive to ask during an outing with friends, but to Sam, the concern makes her insides warm dangerously. Alex is one of the most caring people she’s ever met, and it often makes her wonder how there are people in the world who aren’t completely gone on the woman.

 

“It’s good,” she answers honestly, feeling slightly lightheaded when Alex smiles at her. She blames it on the alcohol already swimming through her veins. “I think I’m finally… feeling like myself, since Reign. Like my body is my own again. And Ruby’s just been great, you know, helping out.”

 

Alex is staring at her so intensely that Sam has to look away. Lena speaks up this time, setting a hand on her forearm and smiling at her encouragingly. “We are so proud of you,” she says. Alex nods along, agreeing.

 

Sam looks down, red rising on her cheeks. _This_ — this is why she can’t lose them, because even with Ruby by her side, she’s not sure she could ever do this without them in her life, too. This is why she needs to keep her feelings locked up, hide them deep inside where nobody can find them. And that’s— that’s fine. Sam’s almost thirty now, and she’s known since she was sixteen that she would probably never find someone else out there for her.

 

And _Alex_ , well. Alex is a comet blazing just out of reach, and Sam knows that she should just feel lucky that her trajectory flies close enough for her fingertips to graze the edge of the fire. Maybe Sam can’t have her the way she wants, but she can still have _this,_ what they have now. She can keep this safe, protect it; as long as she doesn’t continue thinking about Alex like they’re anything other than just friends, then she’ll be fine.

 

“I wouldn’t have been able to do it without your help,” she admits, slightly misty-eyed. “I’m only here today because you guys never gave up on me.”

 

This time, it’s Alex who leans over, wrapping an arm around her shoulders. The contact makes Sam’s head swim. “Giving up was never an option,” Alex says seriously.

 

Sam swallows hard, past the thick emotion making her throat constrict. The smile that spreads across her face is genuine. “To recovery,” she says, raising her glass.

 

Alex and Lena raise theirs, smiles of their own adorning their faces. They all clink their glasses together. “To recovery.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


The first Game Night that Kara hosts since Reign falls on a Friday.

 

These kind of things had quickly faded into the background during the time the Worldkillers terrorized National City. A part of Sam had missed it — it was always nice to get together with Kara’s friends and get to know everyone more, especially considering she had rarely socialized with anyone aside from occasional small talk with the other parents at Ruby’s soccer games. When she had first moved to National City, Sam hadn’t known anyone besides Lena. Having a whole group of people to hangout with every other week gave her something to look forward to, especially considering it’s partly how she got to know Alex better.

 

“Sam!” Kara’s voice rips her away from her thoughts. She had wrenched the door open just as Sam was about to knock, fist now uselessly suspended in the air. “I’m so glad you made it. We were just about to play Monopoly!”

 

Right then, a series of groans sound from somewhere in the living room. Kara smiles sheepishly. “Not everyone is happy about it, though,” she explains, gesturing over to Winn and James, who both look like they’re dreading the game more than anything. Sam immediately sees Alex and Lena curled up together at the end of the couch.

 

She takes a seat on the other side of the living room, in the chair next to J’onn. Sam still doesn’t know much about him, but she knows that he’s somewhat of a father-figure to Alex and Kara, so she flashes him a warm smile in greeting as she sits, one that he quietly returns.

 

“Okay, so, Monopoly. We all know the rules,” Kara says, looking around at everyone. They all nod, Sam included. Then Kara shoots a pointed glare at Alex. “And we all know that the rules say there’s _no_ cheating,” she adds, blue eyes narrowed accusingly.

 

Lena snorts into her drink. Beside her, Alex holds her hands up in a placating gesture, grinning at her sister. The sight makes Sam’s heart skip a beat. Kara simply rolls her eyes before continuing to discuss the rules, including the ‘special’ ones they had come up with for making Game Night more interesting, such as drinking whenever a player goes bankrupt or gets sent to jail.

 

Sam goes bankrupt within the first forty minutes, the second one to lose after Winn. It’s a loss that surprises everyone — she had always been great at Monopoly, only ever losing when she let Ruby win, or sometimes when she went up against Lena.

 

Lena, who stares at her incredulously. “My own CFO,” she says, pulling chuckles from everyone else. “You’re usually one of my toughest opponents. What happened?”

 

Sam doesn’t want to admit that she lost because she was too distracted by the way Lena and Alex have been cuddled up the entire time, Alex’s finger tracing lines along her skirt-clad thigh. She doesn’t want to admit that she’d been too busy imagining all the places she wanted Alex touching _her_ instead to focus much on the game, or that she couldn’t stop watching the way they whispered to each other casually, _intimately_ , throughout the night.

 

“I must be more tired than I thought.” The lie slips through her teeth easily. “I stayed late at the office last night, it must be just catching up to me now.”

 

She half-expects Lena to rightfully call her out on her bullshit, but instead the brunette seems to accept this without argument, and Sam lets out a sigh of relief. The rest of the game goes by smoothly, but by the time it’s finished and Winn is mumbling bitterly about Lena’s inevitable victory — _“she works in business, of course_ she’s _going to win Monopoly!”_ — Sam needs another drink.

 

She heads for the kitchen and grabs the closest bottle of wine, not even realizing Kara had followed her in there until the blonde appears beside her with a handful of pretzels, taken from the bowl that had been sitting on the coffee table where they played.

 

“So, it’s been a while since we’ve done this,” she states, words slightly muffled by the food in her mouth. She swallows and smiles warmly at Sam.

 

Sam nods. “Yeah, it has,” she says, pushing down the guilt for feeling partly responsible for that. “It’s really nice to have this back.” _This_ meaning the normalcy. The way things were before the Worldkillers. Kara seems to understand this, because she nods, setting a comforting hand on Sam’s shoulder.

 

A silence settles between them, and it’s a few moments before she speaks up again.

 

“So,” she starts, trying to sound casual. She clears her throat, nodding towards the living room, where the couple of the night are still cuddling on the couch. “Alex and Lena. That was a surprise, right?”

 

Apparently, it’s the wrong thing to say.

 

Kara’s hand on her shoulder recoils as if she'd been burned. Suddenly her eyes are a lot less bright than they were before, her smile faltering. She blinks a couple times, harsh and quick, and Sam can see the way her shoulders tense up.

 

She feels regret bubble up in her chest, and she’s about to apologize for bringing it up and change the subject when Kara nods sharply.

 

“Yeah, it’s— Um… They sure do look happy, don’t they?” she asks, but there’s something off about her voice, something that Sam picks up on immediately. Like she’s speaking past a lump in her throat. Like she’s forcing the words out. It’s not the usual, cheery tone that Sam would assume she’d have while discussing anything concerning Alex or Lena’s happiness.

 

“They do,” she agrees, ignoring the ache in her own chest as she watches the way Kara’s smile slowly morphs into a frown. Sam doesn’t think she even realizes she’s doing it.

 

“Yeah,” Kara says quietly. Her eyes are glued to the way Lena presses herself further into Alex’s side, tipping her head back to laugh at something she had said. “I’m really glad that Alex has moved on from Maggie.”

 

From the way it comes out of Kara’s mouth, it sounds more like there should be a _but_ after her sentence, but the blonde snaps her mouth shut before she can say it. Regardless, Sam thinks she can tell just by looking at her face what she wants to say.

 

_But why did it have to be with Lena?_

 

The words hang unsaid between them, and as Sam stares at Kara and the sudden sadness in her eyes, she can’t help but agree.  
  
  
  


* * *

  


Despite the mental pact she’d made with herself, Sam is quick to learn that the more she tries to stop thinking of Alex when she’s awake, the more she thinks about her when she’s asleep.

 

She dreams of the two of them in bed together one night, with one of Alex’s rough hands kneading Sam’s breast while the other works between her thighs, slipping through dripping wet folds and curling her fingers inside— an action that makes Sam moan and writhe and beg for _more_ , beg for _faster_ , _Alex, please— oh fuck, yes, right there_.

 

She wakes up hot everywhere, and spends the entire day with the lingering, irrational thought that she needs to call Alex and Lena both and apologize.

  


* * *

  
  


Days blend into weeks and weeks into months, and before she knows it, Alex and Lena are really a Thing.

 

With anyone else, Sam knows, she wouldn’t stay long enough to put herself through this torture. She would’ve been long gone by now, having moved from city to city so many times with Ruby by now that it’s almost second nature. The fact that they’d stayed in National City this long at all had come as a complete surprise to the both of them.

 

In a place like Gotham or Central City, where the people there are forgettable — it would be easy for Sam to pack up and leave with Ruby again. Especially now, after Reign, when the city is associated with Sam’s worst, most painful memories. But here’s two more people that mean the world to her, two more people who make her feel like she’s going to be okay, two more people who deserve to be happy with each other no matter how she feels about it.

 

So she stays.

 

She stays, and then _it_ happens.

 

They’re having lunch together one day, and Alex is telling her about the DEO capturing an alien species that isn’t on their database. Not even J’onn or Kara knows what it is, and she’s been working in her lab running tests on it’s DNA. Sam listens intently as she eats, loving whenever Alex unintentionally launches into a spiel about something, simply because she could listen to her talk for hours.

 

Lena gets up from the table to use the restroom, and Alex pauses mid-rant and asks her, “Hey, has Lena told you anything about what’s going on with Kara?”

 

Sam almost gets whiplash from the abrupt change in subject. She glances over towards Lena’s retreating figure for a moment, and when she looks back, Alex is staring at her expectantly. “No,” she says honestly. “Why?”

 

A frown etches it’s way onto Alex’s face. She takes a sip of her wine and purses her lips. “Kara won’t tell me anything,” she says. Sam knows that’s a big deal in and of itself — Kara tells Alex everything, no matter what it is, so Sam understands her concern. “But she’s been pulling away. Something’s going on, I know it. I just don’t know what.”

 

Sam has the passing thought that _she_ knows what’s going on with Kara, because it’s the same thing that’s going on with her. She might’ve gotten Lena’s feelings for Kara wrong, but there’s no way she could’ve gotten _Kara’s_ feelings for _Lena_ wrong, especially after seeing the grief stricken look her face at the last Game Night.

 

But it’s not like Sam is going to suggest that that might be the case to _Alex_ , of all people.

 

“Maybe she just misses her mom,” she says instead. She doesn’t know the full story about what happened with all of that, but it seems like a valid cause for Kara to be shutting herself off, so she goes with it.

 

But Alex shakes her head, unsure. “Do you think it’s because of me and Lena?” she asks, and there’s a sharp pang in Sam’s heart. “You know, us being together. Lena is her best friend, what if it’s weird for her?”

 

Sam tries not to roll her eyes, if only because Alex looks so worried. Of course she would be too oblivious to see that the problem with Kara wasn’t just that Lena was dating her sister, but that Lena _wasn’t_ dating _her._ Sam makes a mental note to ask the blonde if she wants to form a support group for people with hopeless crushes on their best friends.

 

“I’m sure that’s not it,” she assures Alex. “And I’m sure she’ll talk eventually. Sometimes these things take time to open up about. Ruby will keep quiet about something for days before she says anything to me about it, trust me.”

 

But even as she says it, she knows that this is probably one secret that Kara will refuse to let Alex — or Lena, especially — in on. If Sam can sympathize with anything, it’s the overwhelming pain and guilt that comes with liking your best friend, who just so happens to be dating your other best friend. The fact that Alex is also Kara’s _sister_ must increase these feelings tenfold, and Sam can’t help but feel a pang of sympathy for her.

 

Alex bites her lip, nodding. “Yeah, you’re right,” she says, just as Lena arrives back at the table. Her frown expertly morphs back into a smile as if the conversation never happened, and Sam averts her eyes as she kisses Lena’s cheek when she sits back down beside her.

 

It’s later, once Lena’s called a car for the two of them and they get ready to split off from Alex, that it happens.

 

Alex and Lena are bidding their goodbyes to each other while Sam walks ahead, towards the car waiting for them at the curb. Then she turns back, just for a second, to smile at Alex one more time before she goes— and then she feels it.

 

A shift in the air. The fog clearing from her eyes, letting her see clearly what had probably always been there.

 

She watches as Alex wraps her arms around Lena’s waist and pulls her forward. Sam can just barely hear Lena practically _purr_ , “Easy there, Tiger,” before leaning in for a kiss, and she’s hit with the strongest wave of nausea she’s ever felt in her life. She stands there, in front of the car, and the realization feels like a Kryptonian punch to the gut. It feels like the temperature has dropped significantly in a matter of seconds because Sam feels so, _so_ cold; cold enough that she’s physically shaking.

 

They finally pull away, and Alex flashes Sam one last breathtaking smile before climbing onto her bike. Lena slips past her into the car, and Sam moves almost like she’s on autopilot, sitting down in the seat next to her without a word.

 

The ride back to L-Corp is calm and quiet, but Sam’s mind is anything but. Her thoughts, her feelings— they’re almost unbearably _loud_. They’re screaming at her, repeating the same thing over and over again, the same thing she’d realized in the moment it took for the clouds in front of her eyes to finally part.

 

Now that it’s been brought to light, it makes her wonder how she’s never seen it before. How it could’ve taken this long for her to realize that what she felt for Alex was more than just a crush, that it was something much, much more.

 

When Sam crawls into bed that night, she wants to sleep for an eternity.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
Over the course of the next few days, she has trouble focusing in every work meeting she’s forced to attend. Her mind is still reeling, and she starts to go back and shift through every conversation she’s had with Alex, along with everything she’s ever felt or done around her. She digs through all the files in her brain, searching for anything that can help her to pinpoint the exact moment she fell in love with the other woman.  
  
  
  
Was it when they met at the waterfront, that first day? Was it when Alex helped her through her blackouts, doing tests and assuring her over and over again that she’d be alright? Was it during the Game Nights that Kara hosted at her apartment, or the movie nights that she, Alex, and Ruby sometimes had after a soccer game?

 

Or was it something else — was it the small things that led to this revelation, like the stolen glances and soft smiles? Was it the touches, however brief, like their hands brushing up against each other while walking? Was it the deep conversations they had over drinks or the ridiculous stories they shared over coffee?

 

Sam starts to wonder if there was even one exact instance at all. She wonders if it was everything all together. Every warm smile, every burning touch, every meaningful conversation, piling up and up until it spilled over, her heart too full of love to hold it all in.

 

But her feelings, they don’t really matter anymore. The realization, her admittance, it’s too late. Just thinking about Alex makes her feel horrible. It makes her feel more selfish than she ever has before, because what _right_ does she have, to feel jealous after she’d been the one to encourage this relationship in the first place?

 

Then again, that was back when she’d thought that her feelings for Alex were nothing short of a middle schooler-esque crush. But _this_ is something completely, mind-blowingly different. _This_ is so painful that it hurts to even breathe.

 

Sam doesn't like the dreadfully cold envy poisoning her body, how it travels from her stomach to her throat, making it constrict. She rubs a hand over her face and sighs, willing the feeling to go away. But deep down she knows it won't, at least while Alex’s lovestruck eyes are not directed at her.

 

 _And they never have been,_ her brain reminds her unhelpfully. _Not in the way you want them to be._

 

And this will be the thing that breaks her, she‘s sure of it, but it’s her own damn fault for telling Lena to ask Alex out. And, God, _Lena_ . The thought of her best friend sends a painful jolt through her. The guilt wraps itself around her broken heart and squeezes. _Horrible_ . _Selfish_.

 

These are two of her favorite people in the world and she should feel ecstatic that they’re together, that they’ve found reprieve in one another, but all she can think about is how fucking _in love_ with Alex she is. But, beneath all the guilt and the hurt consuming her from the inside, she knows she can’t blame anyone but herself.

 

She had dug her own grave all those months ago, and now she’s being forced to lie in it.

 

Then again, it almost makes sense for her to feel like she’s trapped in the ground, six feet under. After Reign, Sam hasn’t quite felt the same. Kept dormant for twenty nine years or not, there was always another soul living inside of her, even if she knew nothing about it. And since the split from her evil Kryptonian counterpart, she’s felt empty, like a large piece of her is missing. Like one half of her was left for dead the minute Reign was defeated.

 

It’s as though Lena and Alex getting together had delivered the coup de grâce, the final blow that finished off the rest of her.

 

So yes— she supposes it fits.

  
  


* * *

  
  
  
The thing is: when you have a child at sixteen, the concept of wanting anything for yourself becomes foreign to you. And when that child turns into a teenager, the concept disappears altogether.

 

So Sam is not accustomed to wanting.

 

But _now—_

 

Now she wants.

 

She wants to stop _thinking_ so much, wants to fill the void in her chest that’s only grown alongside Alex and Lena’s relationship. She wants to be impulsive and reckless for once, in a way that she can’t be as a single mom, and she just wants—

 

 _Alex_.

 

She wants so much, but mostly she wants Alex’s mouth, wants kissing Alex to be her impulsive, reckless act, and she wants it so much that she feels it like an itch under her skin that’s begging to be scratched. She wants to say _fuck it_ and just go for it, to throw all her doubt out the window and pull Alex in by the lapels of her leather jacket like she’s imagined herself doing too many times by now.

 

Then she inevitably thinks about Lena, and once again, she feels like the worst person on Earth.

 

 _Selfish_.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Alex accidentally tells Sam about the multiverse over drinks.

 

They’re hanging out at the alien bar and Alex is already three beers in, talking about anything and everything while they play darts — a game where Sam just so happens to be wiping the floor with her — when she says, “I went to a wedding on another Earth, you know.”

 

Sam not only misses the bullseye, she misses the target completely. Her dart pierces the wall beside the board, buried deep in the wood, and she turns around to see if Alex is grinning madly, if she had only said that to throw Sam off her game.

 

Her expression is completely serious.

 

“Kara has a friend,” she says, as if that explains it. When Sam raises an eyebrow for her to elaborate further, she quickly adds, “His name is Barry,” as if that _also_ explains it.

 

“Um— _What?”_

 

Alex grins, probably finding Sam’s confusion beyond amusing in her drunken state. “Barry is a time-traveler,” she says, and really, Sam shouldn’t be all that surprised at this point. She had a Kryptonian Worldkiller inside her last year, after all. “He gave Kara some device that let us travel to Earth-1. That’s where I met Sara.”

 

And— right. Alex had spoken about the infamous Sara Lance before, just briefly mentioning their short tryst. At the time, it had filled Sam with an oddly cold feeling that she now realizes had been jealousy. What Alex had failed to mention then was that she had met Sara on a _completely different_ Earth.

 

Sam blinks. “So the multiverse is real.”

 

Alex nods, lips pursed.

 

“And you— you actually went to another Earth.”

 

Alex nods again, casually, as though this revelation is no big deal. Then again, her sister is an alien superhero; Sam supposes nothing can really surprise her, at this point.

 

“Did you… meet an Earth-1 Alex while you were there?” she asks. The thought that Alex could’ve seen herself in an alternate universe baffles her, to the point where she starts to wonder if she’s imagining this whole conversation.

 

But Alex shakes her head. “No,” she says, then pauses. She bites her lip, suddenly looking more somber than she did just a moment ago. “I wish I could have, though. I mean— don’t you ever wonder? What the other versions of you are like?”

 

Sam ponders it for a moment, before shooting Alex a playful look. “Are you asking because you want to know if another version of you is better at darts than I am?” she jokes, patting her jeans, where the money Alex had lost sits comfortably in her back pocket. “Because I mean, it’s okay, Alex. I don’t blame you.”

 

Alex rolls her eyes, scoffing. She smiles, eyes sparkling, and it fills Sam with a kind of warmth that spreads all throughout her body. “Oh, yeah, right. Just wait till I break out the pool cues, Arias. _You’ll_ be paying _me_.” And Sam hadn’t had one alcoholic drink tonight, as the designated driver, but she swears she feels drunk off of the laugh Alex lets out.

 

Then, suddenly, it’s like a switch has been flipped. Alex’s smile falls, and she stares down at her drink, hesitant. She looks like she’s rolling another question around in her head, contemplating asking it or not, and it takes a few moments for her to finally say something.

 

“Do you ever wonder what things on this Earth would be like if you did just… _one_ thing differently?” It comes out quiet, like Alex wanted to say it but also didn’t want it to be heard.

 

Or like she’s scared of what the answer will be.

 

Sam’s heart is beating so fast that it feels like it’s threatening to break right through her ribs. She doesn’t know if it’s the loaded question or the way Alex is looking at her, but she suddenly feels lightheaded.

 

There’s a _yes_ sitting on the tip of her tongue, but she wants to say so much more than that, too. She wants to tell Alex that she regrets not making a move earlier, not admitting her feelings while she was still allowed to, not taking that chance while it was still an option. She wants to tell Alex that she wonders every single day how things would have turned out had she confessed her feelings before Lena did.

 

Would Alex have reciprocated those feelings? Would they still be together today, in this very moment? Would Sam get to be with Alex in the way Lena gets to be with her now? The thought makes her dizzy.

 

“Do you?” she asks, not only because she’s avoiding answering, but because she’s genuinely curious.

 

Alex chews on her bottom lip. There’s a long moment of silence between them; it’s like the noise of the bar is miles away now, and all Sam can hear is the blood roaring in her ears. Then, Alex shakes her head.

 

“No,” she says, and Sam’s heart drops into her stomach. “There are a lot of things I wish I—”

 

She cuts herself off before finishing what she was going to say, seeming to think better of it. Sam can see in the dim lighting of the bar that her cheeks are flushed. She puffs out a breath, nodding resolutely. “But, you know, I’m happy now. I feel happy.”

 

And maybe it’s just the small sliver of hope, the tiny chance of _what if_ making Sam see things differently, but it looks like Alex is trying to convince herself more than anyone else.

 

“Are you?” Alex asks her then, voice once again so quiet she almost doesn’t hear it. When Sam shoots her a questioning look, she clarifies: “Happy, I mean.”

 

Suddenly her lungs feel like they’re on the verge of collapsing. She thinks of things she shouldn’t, like how easy it would be to just… lean over and press her lips against Alex’s, just for a moment, just to _know_. She thinks of telling her about the feelings raging inside of her, maybe passing it off as a stupid crush just to see what Alex’s reaction would be.

 

“Come on,” she says, instead of answering. The backs of her eyes burn. “You’re drunk, and neither Lena nor Kara would appreciate it if I let you drive like this. I’m taking you home.”

 

Alex thanks her, eyes glassy and bloodshot, and the question seems to be long forgotten.

 

But as Sam lays wide awake in bed that night, she can’t help but wonder if any of the Sams on the other Earths are in love with Alex too. She wonders if they’re braver than her, if they get to be with Alex in the way that Sam can’t be with her here.

 

She tries to take comfort in the fact that, statistically speaking, on at least one alternate Earth she and Alex probably end up together — but in the end, all she can think about is how painful it is that on _this_ Earth, it isn’t her who has that privilege, but Lena.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Sometimes when she wakes up in the morning, there are a few seconds where she’s not fully awake, but not fully asleep either — where she’s hovering somewhere in the middle, not yet conscious enough to remember who she is — and in these seconds, she forgets that she’s in love with Alex Danvers.

 

Sometimes when she wakes up, she forgets that Alex even _exists_. She forgets that Lena exists too, and that she and Alex are together and happy. She forgets about it all, up until the moment reality brutally crashes back into her, and suddenly she’s wide awake and the weight on her chest is so heavy that she feels like she can’t get up.

 

But she does get up, each and every day, and then eventually she goes back to sleep and repeats the process the next morning.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Six months come and go, and Sam doesn’t feel any time passing at all.

 

One night, she receives a text from the agent that reads: _Any good restaurant suggestions that a billionaire CEO won’t scoff at?_ and types in the name of her favorite Italian restaurant before powering her phone off completely. When she looks back up from the blackened screen, Ruby is staring at her, and the movie they’re in the midst of watching is frozen on the TV. Sam hadn’t even noticed that Ruby had paused it.

 

“Are you and Alex fighting?”

 

Sam almost chokes on her popcorn at Ruby’s question. “What?” she asks, face hot. “No, baby, of course not. Why would you think that?”

 

Ruby shrugs a shoulder. “Every time she texts you, you look sad.”

 

Her daughter looks so miserable at the prospect of her and Alex fighting that Sam feels a little bit guilty for making her think so. She shouldn’t really be surprised that her twelve year old noticed something was wrong, though; she always was one to unintentionally wear her heart on her sleeve.

 

She inhales deeply, plastering on a reassuring smile. “No, sweetie, Alex and I are not fighting. You don’t have to worry about that, okay?”

 

“So she’s still coming to my soccer game on Thursday, right?” Ruby checks, because, well. Priorities.  

 

“Yes, Rubes, she’s still coming,” Sam promises, and Ruby nods, happy and satisfied, reaching over to unpause the movie as she settles back into Sam’s side.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Later that night, after turning her phone back on, she sees that Alex had sent her another text an hour earlier: _Lena loved it. You’re a lifesaver, Arias._

 

This time, she doesn’t bother replying.

 

 

* * *

  
 

Alex shows up to Ruby’s soccer game on her motorcycle.

  
  
  
Sam knows this because she can hear the loud roar of it all the way from the field, and so can all the other girls, including Ruby. Her daughter is the first to run over to the parking lot, smiling ear to ear and practically tackling Alex to the ground in a hug. “Alex!” she exclaims. “You made it!”

 

Alex laughs, a sharp, beautiful sound that travels straight to Sam’s core. “Of course I made it, kid,” she says, leaning against her bike in the effortlessly cool way she always does. “I wouldn’t miss your game for the world.”

 

Sam winces a bit at that, remembering all the times she’d had to miss out on Ruby’s games due to work meetings or conference calls that ran late. Alex seems to notice, because she shoots Sam a gentle, reassuring smile over Ruby’s head. “And, hey! Your mom told me we could go get ice cream afterwards, right?”

 

This makes Ruby whirl around, smile somehow growing even wider. She practically vibrates with excitement. “Really?”

 

When Sam looks back up at Alex, the other woman merely winks at her, shrugging a shoulder. Sam just barely holds herself back from rolling her eyes. “Yes, really,” she agrees, this time _actually_ rolling her eyes when Alex fist pumps in the air while Ruby’s not looking.

 

“Okay, come on, you have a game to play,” Sam tells Ruby, pushing her gently back towards the field. Ruby waves at Alex one more time before rushing off towards her teammates. Sam shakes her head before turning back to the other woman, who’s watching Ruby with a soft smile on her face.

 

“So,” she says, pulling the agent’s attention away from her daughter, “I promised ice cream?”

 

Alex’s smile immediately turns sheepish, but in her eyes, Sam can tell she doesn’t feel the least bit bad about it. “I’ll pay for it?” she offers, before biting her lip in a way that automatically makes Sam’s knees weak. “Sorry about that, I know I should’ve checked with you before—“

 

“It’s fine, Alex,” Sam cuts in, brushing off her apology. In reality, any extra time she gets to spend with Alex is a blessing, but she doesn’t admit that. Instead, “Ruby loves hanging out with you,” is what she settles on saying. Which, it’s the truth, but not totally what Sam wants to say. Despite the underlying ache that’s settled permanently beneath her skin since Alex and Lena started dating, she often looks forward to seeing Alex any way she can. She supposes that’s the bittersweet part of being hopelessly in love with one of your best friends.

 

But even as she tries to play it off as being because of her daughter, Alex seems to see right through her anyways. Her smile turns playful, and she leans forward slightly, staring Sam right in the eye as she says, “Well, tell _Ruby_ I love hanging out with her too.”

 

A warm blush creeps up on her neck. “Yeah, well.” She laughs, slightly nervously under Alex’s teasing gaze. Luckily, she’s saved from having to figure out what more to say when the whistle is blown and the soccer game begins. She feels Alex’s eyes linger on her for a few more seconds before the other woman turns away to watch.

 

“You know,” Alex says fifteen minutes in, “I always wanted to play soccer.”

 

Sam looks at her, surprised. “Really?”

 

Alex nods. “Yep. Surfing was always my thing, but a few of my friends back in Midvale played soccer. I was going to try out for the team, but then Kara came to live with us and, well, suddenly I no longer had the time.”

 

Sam nods. Alex has told her before that Kara coming to live with them had kept her from doing a lot of things.

 

“I ran track when I was in highschool,” she tells her. It’s not meant to be a brag, but the way Alex looks at her makes her feel like it is. She cocks an eyebrow, eyes wide and a broad smile spreading across her face.

 

“Why am I not surprised?” she laughs, eyes pointedly looking down at Sam’s long legs. Sam sucks in a breath, a warm, fluttery feeling forming deep in her stomach. She tries to scoff, to roll her eyes, but she’s too stricken by the way Alex is _basically_ checking her out, even if she doesn’t mean to. Sam wonders how a woman who works for a secret government agency can be so downright _oblivious_ with her own actions sometimes.

 

She clears her throat, her neck and cheeks warming. “I wasn’t the best or anything, but… It calmed me, a lot of the time. Running gave me an outlet, in a way.”

 

Alex nods, thoughtful. “That was what surfing did for me,” she says. “After my dad died, you know, it was… tense, at home for a while. Sometimes I’d go out and surf, even if the waves weren’t that good, just to get my mind off everything.”

 

Sam can imagine a teenage Alex, sitting peacefully on her surfboard in the water, waiting patiently for that perfect wave to form. She imagines that it’s the same way she’d felt when she was waiting for the starting pistol to go off, so she could take off and leave all her worries and anxieties in the dust as she ran.

 

But before she can say anything else, someone taps on Alex’s shoulder, and she and Sam both turn their heads to see another one of the soccer moms smiling overly-sweetly at them. Sam only vaguely remembers the woman’s name — Carrie or Carmen or something. “Excuse me,” she says to Alex, in that kind of _I’m-trying-not-to-sound-nosy-but-actually-am_ tone of voice that Sam knows all too well. “But I don’t believe we’ve met before. I’m Claire.”

 

Alex holds her hand out, smiling politely, but Sam can tell that the redhead is slightly wary as she shakes Claire’s hand. She guesses it comes with being an agent, always having to be cautious of everyone, even if it _is_ just a seemingly harmless soccer mom. “Hi, I’m Alex.”

 

“I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ve seen you around here before. Which one is yours?” Claire asks as she nods towards the field, still smiling sweetly, way too long to be the least bit real. Sam barely holds back from rolling her eyes at the woman.

 

Alex blushes. “Um— none of them are mine,” she answers, slightly awkwardly. Clearing her throat, she gestures towards Sam. “I’m just here with Sam to support Ruby.”

 

Sam, who’s been watching the weird exchange silently, almost startles when Claire turns to her sharply, having the audacity to look _betrayed_. As if she and Sam are the very best of friends and she’s downright hurt that Sam hadn’t yet introduced the two of them. “Samantha, you didn’t tell me your girlfriend was coming to the game,” she says, and all of a sudden the world seems to stop turning for a few moments. Sam blinks, confused, and Claire tilts her head. “Well, I would have introduced myself sooner.”

 

There’s a long stretch of silence between all of them. Sam’s whole face is burning, her heart pounding, and she briefly wishes for the ground to open up and swallow her whole. Beside her, Alex seems to be faring no better, blushing furiously as her eyes dart from Sam to Claire, then back to Sam, mouth opening and closing like a fish.

 

Then, finally, she finds the words. “Oh, well, I— Sam and I aren’t together,, actually,” she says, awkwardly. “We’re just friends.”

 

And okay, fuck that, Sam wants the ground to open up and swallow her whole, then spit her back out on a completely different Earth just to get _that_ far away from this situation. _We’re just friends._ Despite having said the exact same thing to Lena months prior, hearing the words come out of Alex’s mouth feels like a rusty knife to the chest, the blade plunging deeper and twisting harder with every painful, labored breath that comes afterwards.

 

It’s like something’s snapped in her. Like hearing Alex say it has truly cemented the idea that they'll always be just friends, as though there was even a chance before that that wasn’t the case.

 

 _What were you expecting?_ her brain yells at her. _You know you two aren’t together. What were you hoping for her to say?_

 

Outside of her mind, she watches as Claire’s eyes widen. She shakes her head, sharp and quick; a hand goes to her throat, a disbelieving smile making its way onto her face, and she lets out a laugh as though this is just a funny situation. And maybe it would be, to anyone else.

 

“Oh!” she exclaims, still laughing. “Oh, my God, I’m so sorry for assuming. I don’t usually make these kind of mistakes, oh dear.”

 

Sam looks down, swallowing hard. She’s too distracted by the sudden onslaught of grief that had attacked her after hearing those three stupid, simple words to find the energy to be annoyed with Claire’s faux-embarrassment.

 

“No, it’s totally fine,” she vaguely hears Alex telling Claire. “You didn’t know.”

 

Sam barely hears the rest of the conversation, too focused instead on trying not to cry. She looks up, finding Ruby in the mess of teenagers on the field, and directs all her attention to her daughter, running amongst her teammates. She doesn’t know how long it is until Alex stops speaking to Claire, turning back around in her seat and setting a hand on Sam’s arm. Sam almost jumps.

 

“Hey, you okay?” Alex asks, frowning in concern.

 

Sam nods silently; she can’t trust herself to speak. Alex’s hand stays on her arm for another minute until she moves it away, fidgeting slightly in her lap.

 

They don’t talk for the rest of the game. When the final whistle blows and the girls are all cheering about their win, Ruby comes bounding over to them, hugging Sam and then Alex hard enough to crack both their backs.

 

“We won!” she cheers when she steps away, eyes bright with excitement, smile blinding. The sight of her daughter’s happiness is the only thing that takes away Sam’s grief, momentarily, and she’s able to find her own smile as she hugs Ruby a second time. “Can we go get ice cream now?” she asks, looking between the two adults.

 

Alex turns to Sam, brows raised. There seems to be a wall of tension between them now, only slightly lifted by Ruby’s excitement, but she had made a promise. “Well?” Alex prompts, and if Sam didn’t know better, she’d say that Alex’s eyes were pleading with her to say yes. As if she didn’t want to say goodbye just yet.

 

“Of course, baby,” Sam says, smiling when Ruby fist pumps in the same manner that Alex had, when she had agreed the first time.

 

Afterwards, Alex lingers by her bike, staring at Sam with an unreadable expression on her face. Her hands are shoved into the pockets of her hoodie, the heel of her boot scuffing against the concrete, and she looks almost _nervous_ as she gets ready to leave them.

 

“Sam,” she calls out, after Ruby’s climbed in the passenger seat of her car and has already gotten buckled up. Sam turns around, ready to ask what’s up, when Alex steps forward and says, “We’re okay, right? You seem kind of…”

 

She trails off, biting her lip, and gestures uselessly with her hands. Sam tries not to feel too guilty about being so obvious with her abrupt shift in mood that Alex had noticed the tension. She forces a nod. “Yeah, Alex, we’re fine. Why — why wouldn’t we be?”

 

Alex blinks at her a couple times, stepping even closer; Sam fights back the urge to lean down and press her nose against Alex’s neck, to close her eyes and breathe her in. “I don’t know, it just seems like something weird happened back there.”

 

Sam shakes her head, a fast, jerky motion that almost hurts her neck. “No, Alex, we’re fine. Really,” she insists. Then, before Alex can say more, she nods back towards her car. “Look, Ruby’s waiting in the car, and—”

 

“Oh,” Alex says, nodding. She laughs, too loud, and Sam can hear the hurt in it. “Yeah, right, it’s late and you need to get her home. Sorry for holding you up. I just, you know, wanted to make sure we’re okay.”

 

“We are,” Sam says. The lie tastes bitter on her tongue. “Thank you for coming to the game. I know it meant a lot to Ruby.”

 

Alex’s lips purse, and Sam has to look away so she doesn’t immediately picture herself leaning over and kissing them. “Yeah, of course.”

 

“Goodnight, Alex,” she says, and even the goodbye seems too final, somehow. She can tell that Alex feels it too, with the way her face falls slightly, barely noticeable if Sam weren’t specifically looking for it.

 

“Night, Sam,” she says.

 

Sam turns around before Alex can see the tears in her eyes.  
  


 

* * *

  
   
As another month passes by with hardly any notice, Sam slowly starts to bury herself back in her work and Ruby, focusing all her attention on conference calls and parent-teacher meetings and anything decidedly _not_ Alex Danvers. After the incident at Ruby’s soccer game, she tries even harder to pull away, in a valiant attempt to avoid slipping again, to avoid falling deeper into this seemingly unending chasm that she’s found herself in.

 

More and more nights, she works late and stumbles into bed as soon as she gets home, too tired to think about things she shouldn’t. When she wakes up, she quickly busies herself with getting dressed for work and making sure Ruby is ready for school, barely sparing herself a moment’s pause to just _breathe_.

 

But just like everything else, this tactic works for a while, until it doesn’t.

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
It’s late in the afternoon, just as she’s leaving therapy at the DEO, that she bumps into the one person who makes her want to run closer and also the other way, somehow at the same time.

 

“Whoa, easy!” Alex exclaims, hands automatically shooting out to grab ahold of Sam’s hips as they collide. A jolt goes through her, and she almost trips and falls backwards with how quick she jerks away from Alex’s touch.

 

The agent frowns. “Sam, you okay?” she asks. Sam can hear the underlying hurt in her voice, and she mentally slaps herself.

 

“Yeah, yeah, I’m fine,” she insists, steadying herself. “Sorry about that.”

 

Alex nods, shoving her hands into the back pockets of her suit. Sam takes a brief moment to appreciate her in all her Director Danvers glory. Despite the fact that she comes to the DEO regularly for her therapy sessions, she usually doesn’t run into Alex, since the other woman is always either held up in the lab or out on a mission. The last time Sam had seen her in uniform had been a few weeks after Reign had left, when Alex had given her a brief tour of the DEO to prevent her from ever getting lost whenever she stopped by.

 

“Hey, where’d you just go?”

 

Sam blinks, startled out of her thoughts by the most gorgeous smile she's ever seen. Alex is staring at her, hand dropping from where she was waving it in front of Sam’s face to reclaim her attention. “You disappeared on me for a moment there,” she says, concern and just a hint of laughter in her voice. “What were you thinking about?”

 

 _You,_ Sam longs to say. _I'm always thinking about you._

 

"Nothing important.” She shakes her head, looking away. If she keeps her gaze on the light, barely noticeable freckles scattered across Alex’s nose, she's liable to say something devastating, something that will ruin the friendship they have in seconds.

 

Alex nods slowly. Sam can tell she doesn’t buy it, but luckily she lets it go with ease, turning and walking alongside Sam through the long corridor. “Here, I’ll walk you to your car. We haven’t had a chance to talk lately.”

 

“Oh, you don’t have to—” Sam starts to refuse, but Alex swiftly cuts her off.

 

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about something specific,” she says, casually, as though she doesn’t understand the immediate anxiety that courses through Sam’s veins at those words. “Something about… us.”

 

Sam tries to act just as nonchalant about it, even while her brain throws a thousand different scenarios at her about what Alex could possibly want to talk to her about, all of them bad. “Yeah, of course.”

 

They turn a corner. Two agents stop to look at them as they walk, each nodding at Alex respectfully and uttering a quick, “Ma’am,” as they pass by. Sam is momentarily struck by how important and respected Alex is here.

 

“I just want to know if something happened to make you pull away,” the woman in question says, bringing Sam back to the conversation. “I mean, if something was said about us, you know, that you weren’t completely comfortable with…” She winces, hand reaching up to rub nervously at the back of her neck. “You know, like what that mom said at Ruby’s game. Something like, uh— something like that.” She clears her throat awkwardly.

 

Sam’s frown only deepens, until the moment it hits her that Alex thinks that the reason she’s avoiding her is because she’s _uncomfortable_ with what Claire had said all those weeks ago, that she’s uncomfortable with people thinking she and Alex are together. Her eyes widen and she stops in her tracks completely, causing Alex to whirl around and look at her, stopping a few paces ahead. “What?” she asks. “Alex, _no!_ No, I’m not uncomfortable.”

 

Alex looks skeptical, so Sam continues. “Seriously, nothing happened.” _Lie._  “And really, it’s not… It’s not what Claire said, that day at Ruby’s soccer game.” _Lie_. “I would’ve told you if anything like that made me uncomfortable, I promise.”

 

 _Not uncomfortable, just heartbroken,_ she adds in her head, but she doesn’t dare say that aloud.

 

Her reassurance seems to take away some of the worry from Alex’s shoulders. She lets out a visible sigh of relief, smiling. “Okay,” she says. “I just wanted to make sure, because I’d never want you to be—”

 

“You’re amazing, Alex,” Sam says, the words just slipping out without a second thought. Alex’s cheeks flush slightly at the compliment. “Trust me, there isn’t anything you could do to make me uncomfortable, and Claire implying we were dating? That was just…” She grits her teeth, forces the words out. “That was just a harmless mistake. It’s totally fine.”

 

Alex’s smile widens. “Okay,” she repeats. “So, we’re good?”

 

Sam nods. Her heart hasn’t stopped fluttering since Alex grabbed her by the waist when they first bumped into each other. “Yes, Alex. We’re good.”

 

Alex gives her a look. “I’m holding you to that, Arias.”

 

She turns around and starts walking again. Sam admires her retreating form for just a moment before jogging slightly to catch up, playfully bumping her hip against the Alex’s; the agent repeats the action with her right after, chuckling, and Sam realizes with a start how much she’s missed this. She’s an idiot for thinking she could ever successfully avoid Alex.

 

They only make it a few more steps before they pass another couple of agents. But this time, rather than just the respectful nods that the last two had given, their acknowledgement of Alex is accompanied by sneers directed right at Sam.

 

She brushes it off with ease. Since Reign, many of the agents have been wary of her, in the same way they’re often wary of Lena. Unfortunately, it’s no secret to the DEO that she was Reign’s ‘vessel’, but Sam had quickly accepted that fact. It doesn’t matter to her what a few ignorant agents think, as long as the people she truly cares about knows that she’s _good_.

 

That doesn’t mean, however, that the things they say about her don’t often strike a cord.

 

They must know this, because one of the agents speaks up as they walk past, too loud to not have been meant for her to hear. “Can’t believe they actually let her back in here, after what she did. She should be locked up like every other alien criminal in here.”

 

Sam bristles immediately at his words. She can feel heat climbing up the back of her neck, and a quick glance beside her tells her that Alex had heard him as well — very clearly, too, if the look of rage on her face is anything to go by.

 

She grabs Alex’s arm, trying to pull her along. “Alex, don’t. It’s not—”

 

But before she can even finish her sentence, Alex jerks out of her grip and rounds on the agent, eyes alight with fury. “What was that, Agent Brooks?” she hisses out, the tone of her voice startling even Sam. She’s never seen Alex this angry before, and she doesn’t know whether to be intimidated or turned on.

 

The agent — Agent Brooks, Alex had called him — nearly cowers under her glare. The agent next to him takes a step back, ready to leave, but Alex shoots him a look that leaves him rooted to the spot. “I— I’m sorry, Director—” Agent Brooks tries to say, but Alex is having none of it.

 

She steps closer, practically trapping him against the wall. “Director J’onzz didn’t tolerate any harassment or persecution of any agent, doctor, technician, or otherwise while he was in charge here, and you can bet your ass that I sure as hell don’t either. As long as Ms. Arias has access into this building, you will respect her just as you would respect your fellow agents. Is that clear, Agent Brooks?”

 

The agent nods, eyes wide. Sam tries not to feel too pleased by the fear in his eyes. “Yes, ma’am.”

 

But Alex isn’t done just yet. “I suggest you stop talking about things that you don’t know about. And if I hear one more word from either of you about Ms. Arias, next time I won’t hesitate to issue more than just a verbal warning. Am I understood?”

 

There’s a pause, and Alex steps closer. “Am I _understood?”_ she repeats harshly, voice dangerously low.

 

“Yes, ma’am,” both agents say. Alex steps back and they immediately scurry away, leaving the two of them alone in the hallway once again.

 

A few long seconds pass before either of them say anything.

 

“Alex, you didn’t have to—”

 

“I’m sorry for what they—”

 

They both snap their mouths shut, almost at the same time. Sam cracks a small smile at their fumble, and Alex lets out an amused huff, shaking her head. Then she turns serious again. “I’m sorry that they said those things,” she says. Sam waves away the apology instantly, ignoring Alex’s protests.

 

“It’s not your fault that they think that of me,” Sam tells her. “Besides it’s not that big a deal. I’m used to it.”

 

Alex looks appalled at that. “Sam, you shouldn’t _have_ to be used to it,” she argues. Then she winces. “But I didn’t mean to blow up like that in front of you. I’m sorry.”

 

Sam shakes her head. “Don’t be. But you didn't have to, you know.”

 

She shrugs. Sam can still see some of the fury in her eyes, dimmed significantly but still there, and when she looks down, she sees that Alex’s hands are trembling slightly with lingering rage. It surprises her that Alex had gotten that mad over someone talking bad about her; not Kara, not Lena, but _her_.

 

Before she can think too much and talk herself out of it, Sam reaches down, grabbing Alex’s hand in hers. A jolt shoots up her arm but she ignores it, rubbing her thumb soothingly over Alex’s knuckles to get her hand to stop shaking. It’s something she’s done with Ruby more than once, and it seems to work just as well with Alex, because the trembling stops after just a few seconds.

 

When she looks back up, Alex is staring down at their hands with an unreadable expression on her face. As soon as Sam is finished with the other one, she lets go, and sees Alex’s eyebrows furrow, as though the agent misses the contact just as much as she does.

 

“Come on, _Director Danvers_ ,” she teases, deciding not to dwell on things that probably aren’t true. “You were supposed to be walking me to my car, remember?”

 

Alex seems to shake herself out of whatever brief trance she was in, looking up at Sam with a completely different expression. Now she’s smiling again, the lines on her forehead smoothed out and her eyebrows no longer pinched together. “Right, yeah, I was.”

 

The rest of their walk is done in silence, but by the time they reach her car, Sam’s skin is still burning with the feeling of Alex’s hands in hers.

  
  


* * *

  
  


“So, are you coming tomorrow?”

 

This is how Lena greets her when she answers the phone while making dinner. Sam tucks the phone between her shoulder and her ear, stirring the pasta in the pot and glancing over to where Ruby is setting the table.

 

“Am I— what?”

 

In the background, she hears something that sounds suspiciously like bed sheets rustling, and there’s another voice over the line, words too muffled to understand. “To the charity gala tomorrow night,” Lena clarifies a moment later, and Sam suddenly remembers their conversation from earlier in the day, when Lena had complained about not wanting to go but needing to make an appearance anyways.

 

She closes her eyes. Lena had also invited her along, and Sam had told her she’d think about it. In reality, she’d forgotten all about it until now.

 

“Sam?” 

 

Sam sighs. “Yeah, I’m still here.”

 

“Are you okay? You’re not starting to dissociate again, are you?”

 

Lena’s concern can be heard clearly through the line. There’d been a period, after Reign, in which Sam would dissociate a lot. It wasn’t surprising to anyone — she’d gone through something traumatic and this was her brain’s way of disconnecting from the horrible things she’d experienced. By the way she’s been zoning out so much, she doesn’t blame Lena for automatically jumping to that conclusion.

 

“No,” she’s quick to deny. “No, Lena, I’m not dissociating. I’m just—” She sighs, pinches the bridge of her nose. “I’m fine. It’s nothing.”

 

There’s more rustling over the phone, and Sam hears Alex’s voice in the background clearly now. Her heart lurches at the sound, and what her being in bed with Lena implies. “Is she coming? God, I cannot be stuck alone there while you talk to all of your other billionaire friends.”

 

Sam can practically _hear_ Lena’s eyes roll through the phone. “They’re not my friends,” she argues. “They’re business partners and people I only ever see at charity events.” Then she addresses Sam again. “As your boss, I can make it mandatory that you show up.”

 

Sam scoffs. They both know the threat is an empty one; Lena would never force her to do anything she didn’t want to do. But Sam also knows that she’s been more distant in the past month, and it’s not fair to Lena or Alex. If anything, she owes them this one night.

 

“What about Kara?” she still tries, before making her decision. Unlike the three of them, Kara actually _loves_ these things. It’s part of the reason why Lena always invited her before she and Alex started dating.

 

There’s a brief pause on the other end. Then Lena says, “She insisted on finishing up an article for Snapper instead.” She tries to sound nonchalant about it, but Sam can tell that it bothers her. Probably because Kara’s never passed up an opportunity to hang out with Lena since they met. “Besides, I want my CFO there.”

 

When Sam doesn’t answer right away, Lena prompts, “Sam?”

 

She gives in. “Well, if it’s mandatory,” she says, forcing out a laugh. It sounds fake even to Ruby, who shoots her an odd look as she passes Sam on her way to grab silverware. Sam mouths a quick _none of your business_ to her daughter, who merely rolls her eyes in response.  
  


“So you’re coming? Oh, thank God,” Alex says in the background.  

 

“Great,” Lena says, ignoring Alex’s next comment about how painstakingly boring these types of things always are. “I’ll send a car to your house.”  
  
  
  


* * *

  
  


She arrives at the ballroom where the gala is being held thirty minutes past eight, and Sam hears Lena’s heels clacking against the floor before she actually sees the woman in question herself.

 

“Oh, good, you’re finally here,” Lena says as she approaches. “Honestly, there aren’t enough stars in the sky to count how many times I’ve already been forced into a conversation with a man trying to explain business to me. Like I’m not the damn _CEO_ of a multibillion dollar company.”

 

Her expression is the epitome of exasperated, and Sam can hardly say she blames her; she hates these galas just as much, even more so than the many PTA meetings she’s had to attend for Ruby’s school. Replace middle-aged, passive aggressive mothers with older, condescending businessmen, and Sam doubles her record for how many times she can roll her eyes and fake a polite smile in one night.

 

“Here,” she says, handing over the drink she had just finished pouring for herself. “I think you need it more.”

 

Lena accepts the wine with a grateful smile, and Sam turns and starts pouring another glass in order to hide her face as she asks, “So where’s Alex?”

 

Lena dismisses the question with a wave of her hand. “She got called into work right as we were leaving. She’s coming by later.”

 

Sam nods, taking a sip of her wine. She cringes immediately after, setting the glass down on the table beside her. For wine that most likely costs a couple thousand dollars, it sure doesn’t taste like it; her disgust must show clearly on her face, because Lena smirks over the rim of the glass at her.

 

“Sometimes,” she says, while reading the label on the bottle, “things that are expensive… are worse.”

 

Sam huffs out a laugh, and Lena looks over at her fondly. It only makes Sam miss her company more, and feel even more guilty for pulling away.

 

“Come on, I want to introduce you to someone,” Lena says then, and there’s a glint in her eye that leaves Sam feeling a little more than suspicious. Regardless, she lets Lena lead her across the room, weaving through faceless bodies of suits and dresses.

 

The _someone_ that Lena was talking about turns out to be a tall blonde in a shimmering gold dress, a glass of whiskey in one hand and a clutch in the other. She’s watching the two of them approach with thinly veiled interest, and something about the way her eyes very unsubtly check Sam out gives her a bad feeling.

 

Lena motions towards the woman, who smiles at her in return. “Sam, this is Camille Bevier, COO of Lord Technologies. Camille, this is Samantha Arias, my CFO.”

 

They shake hands. Camille’s palm is smooth, her grip firm. Sam can’t help but think about how it’s a stark contrast to Alex’s rough, calloused hands, courtesy of working at the DEO. “It’s a pleasure to meet you,” Camille says in a thick French accent. “Lena has told me so much.”

 

Sam looks towards Lena with raised eyebrows, who stares back unwavering, a smug smirk pulling at the edge of her mouth. It abruptly dawns on her what Lena is trying to do, the real reason she wanted her here tonight, and a sick feeling settles uncomfortably in her stomach.

 

Not wanting to be rude, though, she turns back to Camille, plastering on a polite smile. “All good things, I hope,” she jokes, but her chuckle is forced. Camille doesn’t seem to notice.

 

Lena looks pleased with herself, ignoring Sam’s withering glare. She’s suddenly all too aware of the feeling of Camille’s eyes on the side of her face, barely hearing whatever petty excuse Lena makes to leave before the other woman is off, leaving them standing alone together.

 

“Samantha?” Camille asks, breaking her out of her brief stupor.

 

Sam blinks at her. For a split second, she hesitates and even considers making an excuse to get out of this conversation before it’s even started, like maybe feigning a phone call from Ruby’s babysitter and pretending like she has to leave suddenly. Anything to avoid Lena’s attempt at setting her up on a blind date or just getting her laid or whatever… _this_ is supposed to be.

 

Then she thinks of things she definitely shouldn’t be thinking about, like warm brown eyes and a laugh that sends shivers down her spine, before she turns towards Camille with a friendly smile. Maybe this is just what she needs: someone to take her mind off of Alex.

  


“So,” Sam says, making her decision. “Lena said you work for Lord Technologies?”

 

 

* * *

  
  
  
She talks to Camille for almost an hour.

 

She learns that working for Maxwell Lord is about as difficult as it sounds, but that it pays off at the end of the day. She learns that Camille was born in France and moved to the United States when she was nineteen. She learns that Camille _also_ hates these kind of functions, and only comes because it looks good for the company to be seen and promoted at any charitable event.

 

All in all, the conversation is not as bad as Sam had thought it would be, and she starts to actually enjoy talking to the other woman, even if the whole reason for their meeting is because Lena thinks she needs to get laid at the end of the night, or something.

 

It’s only once Alex arrives at the gala that she starts to get distracted.

 

Camille is asking her a question but Sam isn’t hearing any of it, looking across the room to where Alex is standing next to Lena amidst a group of people. She has her arm around Lena’s waist and seems to be trying — and failing — to look interested in whatever one of the men in the group is talking animatedly about.

 

She looks stunning, in a lacy black dress with a slit in the leg, most likely borrowed from Lena’s closet. For a brief second, her roaming eyes lock onto Sam’s and she flashes her a smile; Sam can barely tear her eyes away.

 

“You said you have a daughter?” she vaguely hears Camille asking. “How old is she?”

 

“Twelve,” Sam answers distractedly. She’s still looking off in Alex’s direction, and the part of her brain that isn’t trying to commit the image of the way Alex’s dress accentuates her curves to memory registers that she’s being more than a little rude. _God_. Sam is not a rude person; the only time she’s ever come close was when one of the soccer moms on the opposing team had insulted her daughter after a bad play. And yet here she is, blatantly ignoring a nice, attractive woman because she’s too focused on someone that will never love her back.

 

She manages to shake herself out of it and turns back to Camille, grimacing. “I’m so sorry,” she apologizes, feeling ashamed. “You’re trying to talk to me and I’m not even looking at you. I’m not usually like this, I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight.”

 

But Camille waves away her apology, to Sam’s surprise. “There is no need for that,” she assures her. Then, shocking Sam even more, she says, “Unrequited love is a tragic thing, is it not?”

 

The other woman is staring in the same direction Sam had just been, watching Alex’s smile fall slightly and her head turn back to pay attention to Lena. Then she fully registers Camille’s words, and her heartrate spikes dangerously. There’s a trickle of fear making its way down her spine; if Camille had so easily noticed the way she felt, what’s to say Alex or Lena haven’t? Is it really that obvious to outside observers that Sam is so gone on Alex Danvers that she can’t even hold a conversation with another woman?

 

Her voice is uncharacteristically weak as she utters a quiet, “What?”

 

Camille sighs and moves to touch her arm slowly, as though Sam’s an animal that she doesn’t want to startle. Sam is too surprised that this woman she met an _hour ago_ saw right through her before anyone else did to be too offended. “You’ve been looking at her since she walked in. Now I know a look of love when I see it.”

 

Sam doesn’t say anything, knowing that she’s been caught. By the woman Lena is trying to set her up with, no less. A white-hot burst of shame erupts in her chest, but Camille doesn’t look upset or offended. Wearing a sympathetic smile, she looks more understanding than anything. “And it is no secret that she is on Lena Luthor’s arm tonight,” she points out, making a fresh new wave of guilt wash over Sam. It must show on her face, because Camille squeezes her arm in a show of comfort.

 

“You are in love with her,” she says. It’s not a question.

 

Sam nods. There’s no point in denying it. She’d subconsciously done that for too long. “Yeah,” she says, with a heavy exhale. It’s the first time she’s admitted it out loud to anyone. “I am.”

 

“And you haven’t told her?”  
  
  


The thought almost makes Sam recoil. She looks at Camille incredulously. Is the other woman not seeing the situation that she’s in? “I _can’t_. She’s happy with Lena. I can’t ruin that."

 

But Camille only hums softly, fingers tapping lightly against Sam’s arm. “Well… You can only ruin it if she feels the same way, no?”

   
  


* * *

  
 

Camille leaves a few minutes after that, leaving Sam with one last piece of advice: “Regret is a powerful thing, Samantha. Tell her.”

 

Then she’s gone. Someone at the front of the room taps on a microphone and clears his throat, getting everyone’s attention so he can start his speech.

 

When Sam glances back over towards where Lena is standing, Alex is nowhere to be seen, and it takes her a minute before she spots a flash of red hair disappear into the staircase that leads up the roof. Making a split second decision, Sam pours two glasses of scotch before heading towards the stairs herself.

   
  


* * *

  
 

When she gets to the rooftop, the first thing she sees is Alex standing by the edge, looking out over the bright city below. Her shoulders are tense, face screwed up into an unreadable expression. Sam freezes in her spot, abruptly realizing that if Alex is up here on the roof then she obviously wants to be alone.

 

She considers backing away slowly and going back downstairs without Alex even knowing she was—

 

The door slams shut behind her. Sam winces at the same time Alex whirls around, one hand automatically moving towards her thigh where her gun is probably hiding, strapped in it’s holster beneath her dress. When she sees it’s just Sam, she immediately relaxes.

 

“Oh, hey.” She looks and sounds tired.

 

Sam’s heels scrape against the concrete as she comes to a stop next to her at the edge of the building. She hands her the glass of scotch, receiving a small, grateful smile in thanks. “What, don’t tell me you’re not a fan of long, boring speeches?” she teases.

 

Alex huffs out a small laugh. “Not really. Surprising, I know. But uh… Fancy galas aren’t exactly my thing, if you can’t tell.”

 

Despite her joking tone, Sam can see that something is bothering her, more than she’s letting on. She frowns, shuffling closer. “Are you okay?”

 

Alex merely shrugs a shoulder. She suddenly looks more vulnerable than Sam has ever seen her, lips twisted into a frown and eyes glued to the golden liquid sloshing around in her glass. “Lena is better than me at all this stuff,” she says, motioning down towards the stairs, where they can still vaguely hear the music and speeches filtering up from the gala. “I don’t know how to _do_ any of this. I don’t know how to be…”

 

“Be…?” Sam inquires when she trails off. Alex looks at her, hesitating.

 

“Good enough,” she finally says, and Sam swears she feels her heart break. “I don’t belong here, at events like this. I don’t belong with someone like Lena. I mean— she’s the successful CEO of a multibillion dollar company, and she just donated millions of dollars tonight. I work for an agency that, publicly, doesn’t even exist. I was a college party girl until I was 25 years old. My sister is _Supergirl,_  Sam, I mean— I’m not like Lena or Kara, or even _you_. I’m not… anything special.”

 

Sam doesn’t say anything at first. She doesn’t know _what_ to say, doesn’t know how to even put into words just how wrong Alex is. It’s hard to even grasp the concept of Alex Danvers being anything but special, anything less than fucking _extraordinary_. Her mind flashes back to their conversation at the bar all those months ago, when the topic of the multiverse had been brought up. Looking at her now, Sam can’t imagine an Earth where Alex doesn’t take the breath away of everyone else on it.

 

“Ruby and I used to sleep in my car sometimes.”

 

Alex blinks, surprised. Sam swallows hard, scuffs her heel against the concrete. “After my adoptive mother kicked me out,” she explains. “I worked three jobs in order to pay for hospital bills and formula and baby clothes… Everything that came with having a kid, on top of finishing high school and then paying off student loans to get myself through college so that I could give my daughter a _good_ life.”

 

She still remembers hopping from shelter to shelter, city to city, job to job. She still remembers a point when Ruby was barely a year old, wrapped soundly in a blanket in the backseat of her car one night. She still remembers feeling like they would never get to where they are now, like each day she was letting her daughter down more and more.

 

“I don’t think we ever really believe that we’re good enough for the ones we love most,” she admits. “No matter what, we always think that we should be doing more than what we are. That we should _be_ more than what we are. God knows that I still think that when it comes to Ruby sometimes.”

 

“Sam, you’re an amazing mother,” Alex tells her immediately. “Don’t ever doubt that.”

 

“Right.” She nods. “And you? You are an _amazing_ person, Alex. I mean, you— you risk your life every day for people you don’t even know. You would take a bullet for a bulletproof Kryptonian, because saving your sister is your first instinct, even if it means sacrificing yourself. You went up against a _Worldkiller_ without even hesitating, just because that’s the type of person you are. And you took care of Ruby while I was sick, and protected her when Reign tried to hurt her. _Not_ special? Aside from my daughter, Alex, you are… the most special person I know.”

 

She’s not looking at her, but she thinks she hears Alex inhale sharply beside her.

 

“Maybe you don’t believe that, but that doesn’t mean it’s not true. And Lena?” She shakes her head and scoffs. “I think Lena would have to be insane not to think the same.”

 

For a long moment, Alex doesn’t respond. They stand there in silence, until Sam feels two strong arms wrap around her waist, pulling her in.

 

Her eyes fall shut automatically as her body is enveloped by Alex’s own, a warm, fuzzy feeling seeping into every nook and cranny, every crease and fold, filling her to the brim. She lets out a sigh and wraps her own arms around Alex, feeling the other woman rest her chin against her shoulder. She doesn’t know how long they stand there for, holding each other, but the loss she feels when Alex pulls away is almost too much to bear.

 

“Thank you.”

 

Sam just nods. Her body is on fire with the lingering feeling of Alex’s arms around her, and it feels like there’s something building inside her chest, bubbling up and threatening to boil over any second.

 

They steer the conversation back into easy, safe topics after that, looking down at the city. Alex talks about how one thing she’d always loved about flying with Kara was the breathtaking view. Sam mentions that while she’s relieved to have some sense of normalcy back, she often thinks about the opportunities losing her powers had taken away. It starts to feel like the many times they've hung out at the bar or grabbed coffee together, just sitting and talking about anything that comes to mind.  

 

But it doesn’t take long before they’re moving back into dangerous territory.

 

Alex says, “So I saw you with that woman earlier,” and Sam’s spine stiffens like she’s done something wrong. “She was pretty.”

 

“Yeah, she was,” Sam agrees. _Not as pretty as you,_ she adds in her head.

 

“And she seemed to like you,” Alex adds. It’s another breath before she asks, “Did you like her?”

 

Alex is teasing her, Sam knows. The love of her life is teasing her about liking another woman, and she briefly wonders if this is karma, somehow, for what Reign had done last year. She feels like the universe is playing a cruel joke on her.

 

She tries to laugh, but it sounds hollow to her ears. “I barely know her, Alex,” she says, trying to sound nonchalant and not like this conversation is ripping her apart every second it continues. “Besides, she’s not really my type.”

 

The words slip out on accident, and it only takes her a split second to think, _oh no,_ before Alex is jumping on that admittance quicker than she can blink. “Oh, so you have a type?” she asks, sipping her scotch slowly. “Well, _now_ I’m intrigued.”

 

Sam looks away, but then Alex clicks her tongue, leaning forward and playfully shoving her shoulder. “Come on,” she prods, smiling teasingly. “I want to know. What is Samantha Arias’ type of woman, huh?”

 

There are words sitting on the tip of Sam’s tongue, words like _my type is you_ and _it’s always just been you,_ but she swallows them and says nothing. It’s hard to make her tongue move, to make her lips work properly, when Alex is looking at her like that.

 

Her face is flushed pink from the alcohol, eyes dark and intense, and she’s so beautiful that every part of Sam just _aches_. She almost wants to just turn and leave, wants to run away from whatever this is. Even after everything she’s said tonight, she still feels like there’s one piece missing. Like there’s still something she needs to say, a heavy weight on her chest that she needs to get off.

 

 _Regret is a powerful thing._ Camille’s words echo in her mind as if to taunt her, and something in Sam snaps. Already, a part of her knows that the quiet between them now is only a false sense of tranquility, the calm before an oncoming storm.

 

The silence stretches on to the point of being awkward. Sam is sure that it’s been more than a full minute now, since Alex asked her question, and she still hasn’t said a word. She opens her mouth to try and say something but nothing comes out; then Alex is looking away from her, turning towards the stairwell that leads back down to the gala.

 

“Actually, you know, it’s getting late. Lena’s probably wondering where we are, we should—”

 

“I love you,” leaves Sam’s mouth before she can stop it. The admission rushes out of her in one quick breath, so fast and out of nowhere that it takes her brain a moment to catch up and process what she’d just said. But by then, it’s too late to take the words back. She’s not even sure she’d want to, if she could.

 

And, oh God, _this—_ this is the storm.

 

Alex stares at her, confusion written all over her face. A face that, flushed a few seconds ago, is now paler than Sam has ever seen it. She takes a surprised step back, frowning, and Sam’s heart clenches painfully in her chest. “You—”

 

“I love you,” she repeats, the words once again seeming to come out without her permission. And— fuck. Now that she’s started, she can’t seem to stop, despite every cell in her body screaming at her to do so. All of the feelings that she’s kept bottled up inside come spilling out in one massive flood, and even Sam herself is powerless to stop it.

 

“I love you, I do. I’ve been in love with you for… I don’t even know how long. Since you helped me with my blackouts, probably. And I’ve been trying not to say it. I’ve been trying just push my feelings down and not say it because I know you’re with Lena— God, I know that— but I love you so much that it _hurts._ Every single part of you, from the crinkle between your eyebrows that you refuse to admit you have to the way you care so much and so _deeply_ about people.”

 

As her words sink in, Alex only seems to grow more and more confused, as though she can’t imagine any reason why Sam would love her; Sam can’t imagine any reason why she wouldn’t.

 

“For most of my life, it was just me and Ruby, and that was fine. It was okay to be alone. But then _you—_ you came along and suddenly it wasn’t okay anymore, because suddenly I knew what was missing. I love you and you’re one of the only reasons why I stayed in National City after Reign, because fuck, Alex, since I met you I can’t stand the thought of having to go through life without you.”

 

“Sam,” Alex tries to say, but there’s still more words she needs to get out.

 

“So I stayed and I even watched you fall for somebody else, my _best friend_ , because you deserve that. I’m so in love with you that watching you be with Lena is worth all of the pain I feel. Loving you but not _being_ loved by you is worth all of it as long as you’re happy, because that’s all I want for you. For you to be _happy_. And I’ll still… I’ll still be your friend, even if you don’t love me back. I’ll choose to stay again, for you, if you still want me here.”

 

Finally, she’s out of breath. She’s standing there, chest heaving, feeling the heavy pounding of her heart in every pulse point in her body. Alex is still staring at her, eyes wide and mouth slightly agape. Sam’s throat tightens.

 

“And this is terrible timing, I know that, I just— I love you,” she finishes quietly, the words barely a whisper in the air. “And I needed you to… to know that.”

 

As the seconds tick by, the silence and tension between them grows thicker. Sam shifts her weight from one foot to the other, swallowing hard. Fear grips her with icy cold fingers, clawing at her insides. “Say something, Alex. _Please_.”

 

“I— I don’t…”

 

Slowly, the confusion on Alex’s face morphs into something else, something more akin to horror. Sam’s stomach drops, and she feels like all of her systems are failing, like her heart could stop pumping blood into her veins at any moment. She feels so dizzy and cold that maybe it already has.

 

“I have to go,” Alex tells her, in a daze. Her eyebrows are furrowed and the crinkle is back, but instead of finding it cute like she usually does, Sam’s heart shatters into a thousand little pieces at the sight of it. She feels the hot, stinging tears well up in her eyes, matching Alex’s own. “I can’t do this. I have— Lena is inside, I can’t—”

 

She cuts off and shakes her head. The horror on her face shifts into something else, into an emotion that Sam can’t quite place. Then she turns away, and Sam is left standing alone on the roof as Alex disappears back downstairs before she can stop her.

  
  


* * *

  
  


Lena calls her twenty times in an hour.

 

Sam ignores every single one, closing her eyes and rolling over in bed as Lena’s voicemail filters through the speakers. “Sam? Please call me back. Alex told me what happened. I’m not mad, okay? I just need to know that you’re alright.”

 

 _I’m not mad._ Somehow, those words only make Sam feel even worse. She can’t help but feel like she doesn’t deserve the kindness in Lena's voice. She should be yelling at Sam, knocking her door down and demanding to know why she thinks she has the right to tell _her_ girlfriend she loves her. Sam doesn’t deserve for Lena not to completely hate her right now.

 

She squeezes her eyes shut tighter, feeling the hot tears escape and roll down her cheeks, soaking into her pillow. She hasn’t been able to stop crying since she got home, barely holding it together long enough to pay Ruby’s babysitter without completely breaking down until she got into her room.

 

There’s a knock at the door, and Sam hears it crack open slightly. “Mom?” Ruby calls out cautiously. It reminds Sam of the time Ruby had found her curled into a ball in front of the mirror, after the Kryptonian hologram had first revealed itself to her. Her tone is just as scared and concerned as it was that night, and Sam’s heart breaks even further knowing that she’s causing her to worry.

 

The bed dips as Ruby crawls into it. Sam sits up, hastily wiping at her cheeks, but it’s useless since Ruby had already seen her tears. “Hey, baby,” she says, voice slightly hoarse from crying so much.

 

Ruby stares down at her hands, seeming to be thinking of something to say. Sam is momentarily struck by how much her daughter looks like her when she frowns. Then she looks up, and her eyes are glued to the streaks of mascara Sam had left on the pillowcase. “It’s because of Alex, isn’t it?” she asks, and Sam sucks in a sharp breath.

 

She hesitates with answering. While it’s not exactly news to Ruby that she’s bisexual, they’ve never really spoken about it, mainly because Sam has never really _dated_ anybody. Hell, she’d never even been interested in anyone up until Alex came along.

 

“Yes, Rubes,” she finally says, deciding there’s no use now in pretending otherwise. “It’s because of Alex.”

 

Ruby shifts on the bed. “Because you love her?”

 

Sam nods slowly. This is the third time tonight that she’s admitted it aloud, and it only serves to make her chest feel heavier with each confession. Especially now, knowing that Alex can’t even bear to look at her. She breathes in deeply, feeling a sharp twinge of sadness in her heart as she confirms, “Yeah. Yeah, that’s why.”

 

There’s a beat of silence between them. Sam watches Ruby closely, at the way she doesn’t even seem surprised by this new information. She briefly wonders if maybe Ruby had known this whole time, maybe even before Sam herself had realized it.

 

“If it makes you feel any better,” Ruby says, “I think she’s stupid not to love you back.”

 

Despite herself, Sam chokes out a wet laugh, a few more tears slipping down her face as she does so. She reaches forward and pulls her daughter into her side, wrapping her arms around Ruby’s shoulders and kissing the top of her head. “Thank you, baby.”

  
  


* * *

  
  


Four days go by, and each time she wakes up in the morning, there’s a few seconds where she doesn’t remember what happened. Where she’s blissfully unaware of the heartbreak, of Alex’s rejection, of how _stupid_ she’d been.

 

But then— _then_ , it all comes rushing back at once, and Sam is hit with a wave of pure anguish, so strong that she almost gasps in pain. It physically hurts in her chest and her stomach, a sharp, persistent ache that _throbs._ She curls in on herself, squeezing her eyes shut as though doing so will get rid of the sudden onslaught of awful memories of that night. Of the image of Alex’s face, slowly but surely crumbling as she takes in Sam’s words.

 

“Mom?” Ruby’s voice breaks through. Sam can smell the distinct scent of coffee downstairs.

 

“Hey, sweetheart,” she says, sitting up slowly. Her voice still feels scratchy and raw from crying herself to sleep, just as she’s done for the past few nights. But then she realizes that Ruby is frowning down at her, standing unsure next to the bed. She shifts her weight and glances towards the door.

 

Sam sits up higher in bed and reaches out, suddenly worried. “Ruby, baby, what is it?”

 

Ruby looks back at her, biting her lip. “Lena is downstairs,” she says. “She said she wanted to talk to you.”

   
  


* * *

  
 

Lena is sitting at her bar when she gets downstairs, sipping carefully out of a steaming mug. When Sam glances at the coffee pot she sees it’s almost half empty already, leading her to wonder just how long Lena’s been here waiting for her.

 

The sight of her best friend only serves to rub salt in a still bleeding, gaping wound. Lena’s voicemail plays in her mind — _“I’m not mad, okay?”_ — and Sam can hardly look her in the eyes as she pours herself her own cup of coffee. She can feel Lena watching her intently, and starts to think the other woman is waiting for her to speak, until:

 

“Alex and I broke up.”

 

Sam’s stomach drops; this is exactly what she’d been afraid of.

 

“I—“ she stops, sets her mug down _._ Her hands grasp onto the edge of the counter and she heaves out a sigh. Lena’s eyes burn holes in the back of her head. _Horrible. Selfish. Stupid._ “I’m so _sorry,_  Lena.”

 

The words come out sounding more like a sob, and— God, Sam is so _sick_ of crying. She shakes her head, looking anywhere but her friend’s sympathetic face. _Sympathetic_ . As if Sam deserves it. “I had _no_ right to just— just—”

 

“How much do you love her?” Lena interjects, startling her.

 

Sam pauses, blinking in confusion as she turns to finally face her. “What?”

 

Lena stands up slowly, setting her mug down and crossing her arms. She still doesn’t look mad, and for some reason, that only makes Sam want to yell at her. To demand that she be angry with her, that she hate her, as she should. As any other normal person would, if their best friend ruined their relationship.

 

“How much do you love her, Sam?” Lena repeats calmly, a stark contrast to how Sam feels right now. “Answer the question.”

 

She swallows around a dry throat. She feels bared, like Lena has just taken a hammer and cracked open her chest with just six words, ripping out each of her ribs with the claw to leave her heart open and exposed. Lena had said in her voicemail that Alex told her everything, which obviously meant Sam’s confession, but hearing her ask about it aloud is completely different. Somehow, it’s suddenly just now hitting her that Lena— Lena _knows_ . Just like Alex and Ruby know, too, when just five days ago _nobody_ knew how she felt.

 

The truth, which she had tried so hard for _months_ to keep wrapped up in its tight coil, had managed to come unravelled all in one night.

 

“I…”

 

“Please, Sam, just tell me,” Lena insists. “How much?”

 

 _“So much_ ,” Sam confesses, to her own surprise. The words just flow out, just like they had the other night, and she feels fresh new tears trace their way down her cheeks as she talks. Lena listens intently the whole time, and not once during Sam’s admission does she look mad, and Sam just doesn’t understand.

 

“She’s just so amazing, Lena,” she says. “And so beautiful. She doesn’t see that, I know she doesn’t, but God… Everything about her makes me love her, even the bad things, like how impulsive she can be in the field. Or how angry she gets sometimes, at Ruby’s soccer games, until the referee has to kick her out. Or how stubborn she is, when she refuses to take even an hour long break from work just to eat or sleep.”

 

Part of Sam can’t believe that she’s telling _Lena_ , of all people, about all this. Even though Lena had asked, she feels terrible for ranting about how much she loves Alex after they had _just_ broken up. But another part of her can’t help but feel a heavy, debilitating weight lift off her shoulders, now that everything is being brought to the surface. She keeps going, telling Lena about everything until finally she has nothing more to say.

 

 _“That_ ,” Lena says, once Sam has finished. “That is why Alex and I broke up.”

 

Sam frowns, her words not fully computing.

 

“I liked Alex just fine,” Lena tells her, and she feels another brief stab of guilt. Then, “But I never felt that, and neither did Alex.”

 

But Sam is still confused. She leans against the counter, knees feeling slightly weak. It’s like the only question she can ask again is, “What?”

 

“I liked Alex,” Lena repeats. “But I never loved her, not like that. And to be completely honest, I don’t think she ever loved me like that either.”

 

As her words start to sink in, Sam can hardly breathe. She can hear the blood rushing in her ears, her heart pounding. Camille’s words once again echo in her mind, filling her head: _You can only ruin it if she feels the same way._

 

Sam opens her mouth to speak, but nothing comes out, and Lena seems to understand her silence. She steps closer and wraps her arms around Sam’s shoulders, pulling her into a gentle hug. Sam can’t do anything but hug her back. “It’s okay, Sam,” Lena says, voice soft in her ear. “It’s _okay_.”

 

And then the dam breaks. If possible, Sam finds herself crying even harder than she had the night of the gala, clinging to Lena’s shoulders. She feels dizzy from all the emotions overtaking her, the main one being relief. Lena rubs her back soothingly, one hand reaching up to comb gently through Sam’s hair.

 

“Now,” she says, once they’ve pulled away. Sam wipes at her eyes with her finger and sniffs. “I believe there is still one more person you need to talk to.”

 

Her heart skips a beat. “Lena—”

 

“It’s okay,” Lena repeats slowly. She picks up the phone and presses it into Sam’s palm. "Trust me."

 

Sam hesitates, just for a moment. Then she takes a deep breath, steels herself, and dials the number she knows by heart by now.

  
  


* * *

  
  


She spends the entire next morning rereading the same report.

 

She’s too distracted to focus, her brain not taking in any of the information she’s seeing on the page. It feels like she’s back in high school, reading the same boring paragraph in a textbook over and over again but never absorbing a word. She can’t concentrate on anything other than the jittery feeling that’s formed low in her stomach, the mix of nervousness and excitement that she’s felt since her phone call with Alex.

 

It had only lasted a few minutes, at most. Enough time for Sam to ask Alex to meet with her during her lunch break, not wanting to talk about everything over the phone. Alex had been quick to agree, and Sam had noticed that she didn’t seem reluctant or upset that she had called. Instead, she seemed _relieved_ that Sam wanted to see her again, and it was the first time since the night of the gala that Sam had stopped to think that maybe Alex had thought that _she_ ruined everything, too, by running away.

 

By the time she had hung up the phone, all the guilt and regret she'd been feeling seemed to melt away, and had soon been replaced with something else. For the first time in months, she started to feel _hopeful_.

 

But now, that hope has quickly morphed into the worst kind of anxiety Sam’s ever felt. She hasn’t been able to sit still since arriving at her office, and the amount of times her eyes have darted from her work to the clock in the past three hours is probably a new record for her. She can’t ever remember feeling like this before, but then again, this is the first time in her life that she’s agreed to meet with a woman she’d confessed her love for just days prior.

 

“Ms. Arias?” Jess’ voice sounds over the intercom, instantly snapping her out of her thoughts. “Director Danvers is here to see you.”

 

Sam’s heart leaps into her throat. “You can let her up. Thank you, Jess.”

 

In the five minutes it takes Alex to get from the front desk to her office, Sam finds herself pacing behind her desk, wringing her hands nervously in front of her. It still seems hard to believe that Alex wants to talk to her, that Alex might love her back, and part of her _doesn’t_. Part of her is still expecting to wake up in her bed again, eyes tired from crying so much, heart still in a pieces.

 

That expectation dissipates when Alex walks through the door, two paper cups in her hands. She looks just as breathtaking as always, in black jeans and a dark green plaid shirt, and Sam’s brain momentarily short circuits at the sight.

 

“Here,” she says, holding out one of the cups. “I brought you coffee from Noonan's. And don't worry, it's that gross excuse of a drink that's basically 90% sugar and 10% coffee that I know you like." She scrunches her nose up adorably, shaking her head and muttering under her breath, "God, you're just like Kara.”

 

Sam tries to ignore the immediate warmth she feels in her bones at the realization that Alex knows her coffee order by heart.

 

“Thank you,” she says as she takes the coffee from Alex’s hand, even though her stomach is too jumpy with nerves for her to be able to eat or drink anything. She sets the cup down and moves to sit the other side of her desk so that it’s not in their way.

 

Alex is smiling slightly, but Sam can still see the anxiety in her eyes. She looks just as nervous as Sam, if not more so, chewing on the inside of her cheek and tapping anxiously against the rim of her own coffee. It’s times like these that Sam often grieves the loss of her powers; she longs to hone in on Alex’s heartbeat, just to hear it, to see if it’s beating as wildly as her own.

 

“Before you say anything, I have something I wanted to ask,” Alex says, first and foremost.

 

Sam nods. “Okay.”

 

“Why did you tell Lena to ask me out that day?”

 

The question, although an obvious one, still manages to take her aback. She leans back in her chair and stares down at the fur rug under her feet instead of Alex’s face. There are so many different answers she could give — answers like, _because Lena really seemed to like you,_ and _because I was too scared of my own feelings_ — but none of them feel right. None of them feel like the one she should be giving. Alex deserves more than that; she deserves the answer that had risen above everything else, that had been not only the reason Sam let Lena ask her out, but the reason for why she had forced herself to silently suffer for as long as she did.

 

“I saw how heartbroken you were after Maggie,” she starts honestly. “You stopped coming to Kara’s game nights. You were drinking more. If Kara hadn’t gotten you to talk, you would’ve kept all of your feelings bottled up. You were a mess, frankly, and then I—” She sighs, rubbing her forehead. “Then I saw how happy working with Lena in the lab made you. Teaming up with her while trying to help me had brought you two together, and I saw how it took your mind off of Maggie. You stopped drinking so much, you started coming to game nights again, you _smiled_ more.”

 

Alex nods slowly, and Sam keeps going. Her hands start to shake at her sides, and she clenches them both into fists in her lap. “When Lena told me she liked you, how… How could I tell her no, Alex? God knows Lena deserves someone as amazing as you, and I knew you— you deserved someone like Lena, too. I couldn’t get in the way of that.”

 

Alex curls her lips inwards, eyebrows pulling together in a thoughtful expression. “It wasn’t just Lena.”

 

Sam frowns. “What?”

 

“It wasn’t just working with Lena that made me happy, Sam. It was also getting drinks with you when Ruby was at a friend’s house. It was seeing you at those game nights. It was coming with you to Ruby’s soccer games. It was letting you beat me at darts—”

 

Despite herself, Sam can’t help but let out a loud scoff at that. Alex pauses and shoots her a smile that makes it hard to breathe for a second. “Working with Lena did make me happy, you’re right,” she continues, nodding. “But so did _you_.”

 

Sam can feel her heart beating furiously in her chest again, but for a good reason this time. Then Alex adds, “And I shouldn’t have run away, that night at the gala.” She looks almost angry at herself, jaw clenched. “I should’ve stayed. I should’ve told you—”

 

“Alex, it’s okay—”

 

“No,” she cuts her off. “No, Sam, it’s not. Because you deserved to hear me say it back, but I… I was scared. I _am_ scared. I’m scared of how much I feel, of how much I wanted to tell you that night. Because even with Maggie, I was never this— It was never so—”

 

She stops, frustrated. Without thinking, Sam reaches over and grabs her hand, squeezing it comfortingly. Alex seems to relax immediately under her touch. “Alex, you don’t have to say it just because I said it.”

 

She tries to keep her voice steady when she says it, but it comes out shaky anyways. She feels breathless, and despite every cell in her body screaming at her to believe that Alex is saying what she thinks she’s saying, Sam knows she can’t afford to have this much hope. Not when it could shatter her completely if she’s wrong. Alex could’ve come here to let her down easy, to tell her that even if their feelings were mutual, nothing would ever happen between them.

 

But then Alex shakes her head, getting up out of her seat to pace. “No, but, I do. I love you,” she says, and all of the air in Sam’s lungs rushes out at once. “I’ve always loved you. And Lena is a _great_ woman, she is, and I liked being with her. And I thought that I could be content like that, with her. But then— then you said what you said, up on that rooftop, and I… I realized that it wasn’t enough. It was never going to work out. I mean, how—” She shrugs sadly. “How could it, when I’ve already met you?”

 

Sam closes her eyes, inhaling deeply. Alex’s words seem to wrap themselves securely around her heart, slowly filling the large void that had made up Sam's chest, and she can't help but think that if there is some variation of heaven out there, then this is it.

 

When she zones back in, she realizes Alex is still talking. Or rambling, more like, hands moving wildly as she speaks. "And I _know—_ I know that my confession is probably too late and you might not even—"

 

Sam kisses her.

 

She pushes herself up out of her chair and pulls Alex in, not hesitating for a second. The other woman responds immediately, hands gripping Sam’s waist; she feels sixteen again, suddenly, all trembling hands and butterflies in her stomach, every part of her buzzing with frantic, desperate energy. The feeling of Alex’s lips on hers is something that Sam has been missing her whole life, and now that it’s finally happening, she doesn’t know how she could have ever made it this long without it.

 

When they pull apart, she unconsciously chases after Alex’s mouth, but Alex stops her with a hand on her shoulder. Sam’s eyes shoot open, lips tingling, and she has to blink a couple times to come back to herself.

 

Then, suddenly, she chokes back a sob. “Alex, I— I’ve wanted this for so long,” she admits. “And I don’t…” _I don’t want to mess this up. I don’t want this to be a dream._

 

Alex smiles at her, so softly and so beautifully that Sam wants to lean forward and kiss her again, this time for hours, right here in the middle of her office. “Me too. I’m sorry that it’s taken me this long to admit that. But I do. I want to be with you,” she says, and Sam still kind of feels like this isn’t real, like she’ll wake up any second, but— no, Alex is here. Alex is here, and she’s telling Sam that she wants her, and Sam doesn’t think she’ll ever forget the way the words _I love you_ sounded coming out of Alex’s mouth. She thinks this moment will be ingrained in her mind forever.

 

“And if you’ll have me,” Alex continues, interlacing their fingers together. “I want us to take it slow. I want to do this right, with you. Is… Is that okay?”

 

Sam kisses her again before the question is even fully out of her mouth.

  
  


* * *

  
  


It’s a month later and Sam is standing in Kara’s kitchen again, sipping from a glass of wine. It feels like déjà vu from the first time Kara had hosted game night since Alex and Lena had started dating, back when Sam had been too focused on the two to pay any attention to anything else.

 

But this time, it’s Lena who stands next to her, the two of them watching as Alex and Kara argue heatedly about whether or not Kryptonian words are allowed in the game.

 

“I didn’t know anyone could get this intense over Scrabble,” Sam remarks.

 

Beside her, Lena hums in agreement, pouring herself a glass of the scotch that Alex had brought over. “Do you think we should intervene?”

 

Sam glances over at her. She’s smiling softly at the two bickering sisters, a lovestruck look in her eye. If it was still a few weeks ago and she didn’t know any better, she would logically think the look was directed towards Alex, that maybe Lena still had some lingering feelings for her now-ex.

 

But Sam does know better. “Why?” she asks, shooting Lena a teasing smile and sipping her wine. “Because you know that my girlfriend is right and yours is wrong?”

 

Lena rolls her eyes. “Kryptonian words are still _words,_ Sam. It should count.”

 

Before Sam can respond, though, Winn pipes up from the couch, wide-eyed and looking slightly afraid. “Oh, not you guys, too!” he pleads, ducking just in time to avoid being hit in the face with a handful of scrabble pieces.

 

Sam and Lena exchange a playful look. “Whoever’s girlfriend throws the scrabble board first buys lunch tomorrow,” she suggests.

 

Lena reaches out and shakes her hand. “Deal.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> Hope y'all liked it! I live for comments and kudos :)


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